


but i love you so

by bpddennis



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Cutting, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, mac loves dennis w his whole heart dont worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 13:17:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13659765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bpddennis/pseuds/bpddennis
Summary: dennis doesn't remember the last time he resorted to this,it's probably been years, at least a decadebut the bathroom floor is so oddly comforting, even if mac doesn't understand why.





	but i love you so

**Author's Note:**

> [extreme self-harm tw, read at your own risk].

dennis doesn't remember the last time he resorted to this,

it's probably been years, at least a decade.

but something's been ticking in his head all day. something's been gnawing at him. he has bad mental health days, days where he wants to kill himself, but he doesn't ever really do anything about it. self harm hasn't really been a problem since his 20's. unless one were to count him skipping breakfast and lunch - then nevermind. 

but finding a dull knife, or blade? dennis thought he grew out of that shit. 

but god, his head just won't shut up. mac went out earlier, probably to some dumb gay strip club, and dennis has been racking his brain for a reason to explain why he feels so fucking horrible about the entire thing. 

mac is allowed to sleep with other people. hell, dennis does all the time. it's fun. so why is this so fucking draining and why is he sitting against a wall of their bathroom with one of mac's dull razors? why is all of this oddly so comforting? 

shut up, shut up, shut up, you fucking fuck. 

he taunts himself. 

here goes nothing. 

the first slice is never bad, never anything too deep, mostly because dennis assumes it'll hurt. it never does. it feels good. it feels relaxing.

he draws the blade against his left wrist over and over and over. he reopens old wounds, wounds from ten years ago.

is he so fucking awful to say he missed something so toxic? 

is this how mac feels when they hook up when they're drunk? dennis answers the questions with a line down his inner forearm. 

maybe he's crying. he probably is. he wishes he was drunk doing this kind of thing. he's going to remember all of this shit when he wakes up in the morning. 

the more he injures himself, the more the world is starting to fade from him. right now, the only thing he can see is mangled, pale skin, blood oozing from numerous wounds.  
and he sees mac. more specifically, he sees mac, probably with some beefcake attached to his neck.  
he wonders if mac likes it. 

now he's really aware of the salty tears gliding down his puffy face. he can't hear how loud he's sobbing. none of his senses are operating. it's just him and this razor.

he wonders how long it's been, it must have been fucking hours, because why is mac ripping the weapon out of dennis' shaking hand? how long has mac been out?

he's yelling at dennis, definitely yelling. 

"what the fuck, den? den look at me." mac demands, he's crouching next to a cowering dennis, ripping the razor out of his hand, and tilting dennis' chin up. "fuck, fuck, fuck. fuck you," he roughly grabs dennis by his good forearm and pulls him to his feet. he immediately supports the weight of dennis by wrapping one arm around his waist. he guides him to sit on the edge of the bathtub, chucks the razor into the wastebin, and immediately is rummaging through their entire bathroom. dennis tries to ignore the entire ordeal. 

mac is just mumbling curse words, he looks scared, and he's definitely fighting the insane urge to sob wildly; dennis can tell by how hard he's breathing - his chest is heaving up and down.

"fuck me. FUCK." mac gathers everything he can and sits in front of dennis who is wavering at the edge of the bathtub. mac has a damp towel in his hand that he presses against dennis' forearm without warning. 

it's probably not sanitary, but to be fair, the cuts aren't that deep, and mac would like to do without a hospital trip.

dennis groans in response to the sudden pressure. "mac - fuck, that fucking stings!" he whines and tries to withdraw his arm from mac's harsh grasp. 

mac's hold is stronger, "then why would you do this, you fuck?!" mac's definitely crying. if there's one sight dennis can't fucking stand, it's mac crying. he always looks like a hurt puppy, his bottom lip quivers as he tries to halt the sobbing. 

"you're gonna be fine. yeah. it'll be okay, everything will be okay." mac sounds like he's trying to comfort himself, and dennis, at once. 

"i-i'm sorry," dennis winces as mac tries not rub too hard. "i'm sorry, i'm fucking dumb, i know that."

"you're not dumb, baby, don't say that." his voice is quivering. it makes dennis want to throw up. 

the cuts are as clean as mac can get them without rubbing dennis' arm raw. they actually have sterilizing wipes, and mac presses those on dennis' arm next. as if it could sting anymore. tears continue to drip down dennis' cheeks, and he's regretting this immediately. mac reassuringly rubs dennis' thigh. 

the more mac glides the cooling fabric over his arm, the easier it gets, and dennis is finally able to look at mac. 

mac's gripping one of dennis's hips so hard it could leave bruises, as the other finishes cleaning some dried blood remaining. 

all they have is flimsy band aid's, so mac finds neosporin cream for the cuts, and simply wraps the wounded arm in an elastic bandage. 

after the arm is wrapped, mac is breathing heavily, and rests his head against dennis' thighs, gripping his hips. "god, FUCK, dennis," he looks up after. "do you know how fucking scary that was?"

dennis can't meet mac's gaze. it's fucking painful. he's so embarrassed, but he doesn't say anything. 

he fights the urge for more tears to pathetically fall (but they fall anyways) until his head falls into his hands and sobs shamefully into them. mac's embrace engulfs him instantaneously. 

"c'mon, come on, den." mac stands up and places his hands on dennis' waist, gesturing him to stand up. "den, please." dennis weakly stands up and feels like he'd rather to be dead. 

"let's go to bed, i'm not letting you sleep by yourself." mac holds dennis' hand and guides him to dennis' room. dennis wants to tell him not to let go. it all feels so comforting. (not in the same way as a bathroom floor). 

they both strip. as dennis is getting into his bed, mac leaves for a moment, and returns with an oversized sweatshirt from when he tacked on "mass". dennis could swim in it. 

dennis doesn't object to the gesture. it would cover up his mistakes of the night. he slides it on with ease. 

when they lay down, mac is almost instantly wrapping dennis up into his arms, and rests his head in the crook of dennis' neck. 

"please, please do not do that ever again." mac pleads into the soft skin. 

dennis swallows hard. everything is so hard to say. 

"please don't leave." 

"when?"

"j-just ever. just ever okay? i promise i'm not fucked up." dennis bitterly replies. 

"i'm not gonna leave you, den. ever. even when you finally want me to." mac softly rubs dennis' left arm. the sensation stings, slightly, but it's a big reminder of how much mac has done for him. he places a reassuring kiss to dennis' neck that they both choose not to over analyze. 

mac's rubbing soothing circles all over dennis' back, and he melts into the touch. he becomes like butter to mac, as he hums contently. 

'even when you want me to'

dennis hopes that day doesn't exist.

**Author's Note:**

> sry for projecting my mental illness onto dennis :////


End file.
